“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Anais Nin
How do you change your mindset when your mindset is that you cannot change? Change is driven by aspiration or desperation. In other words, you change because you have a dream, goal or objective; or, you change because you are on a burning platform – your situation is so unbearable that you have to change. It probably comes as no surprise to you that most change comes from desperation. You change because the alternative to not changing is no longer acceptable to you.
We all have habits that do not service us well. Many of these habits provide some form of pleasure or they are the manifestation of a belief that you carry. For example, you end up doing lots of things that you don’t want to do because you can’t say “no.” You can’t say “no” because you have a belief that to do so means that you are not a good person. However, doing things you don’t want to do makes you angry and/or stressed. So it affects your mindset toward people who cause you to do things you do not want to do.
A mindset that often comes up in coaching relates to interpersonal relationships. You may intimidate others, or put people down. This type of mindset often stems from beliefs about competency. For example, you may believe that if you are not the smartest person in the room, then you will not be viewed as competent.
The first step to change a mindset is to develop an awareness of what this mindset is costing you and what it is based on. The second step is to become an observer by noticing when the mindset you are trying to change comes into play. Writing in a journal can be very powerful, but simply making mental notes can be effective as well. The goal of this step is to begin to detach yourself from the mindset, to recognize that it is not an inherent part of you. In addition, by becoming more conscious of your mindset, you have a better chance of controlling it. The third step is to reframe your belief. For example: “When I say ‘no’ to things I don’t want to do I am being a good person because I am respecting myself and my relationship to this other person.” “When I let others express and develop their views, it shows that I am confident in my competence.”
If you keep repeating these three steps, little by little you will begin to notice a difference.
“The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.”
Charles Dubois
